It was on the to do list. Finally we had a weekend with sun, or at least no rain, and warm-ish temperatures for this time of year. “Brush horses”. Of course they get kisses at feeding time, and talked to, and interacted with, so it’s not like they’re ignored, not to mention their twice daily feedings, but I was really hoping to get out into the pasture and spend some quality horse time.

Alas, fibro flare had me in bed most of the weekend, and I… once again… feel like a bad horsey mom. This is becoming more and more common now with my illness (though I hope some changes that I’ve made will help). And I hate feeling like a failure because I can’t spend time with my horses. There are those who will say that they understand. I’m not sure they do. I see the way my mare watches me when I do chicken chores (feeding, checking eggs). Like “yeah, mom’s taking care of the chickens again, maybe she’ll come and see me” and then I feel as if I’ve disappointed her. I suppose that’s me putting my human emotions onto an animal, but yet, the more we learn about them, the more I wonder.

The problem is those who are “body normal” (i.e. don’t have a chronic illness or chronic pain) don’t understand this. They tell me that if i Just magically try yoga or think positive that everything will be perfect. It won’t. I’ve tried. Most of us with chronic illnesses have tried just about everything, researched far more than you think, and most likely know more than the doctors we see on a regular basis about research and breakthroughs. So it’s not like we’re not trying. And I tell my horses that. I pat forelocks and kiss noses and tell them that I want to be out there. It’s just that I hurt. And honestly, if I were a pet, someone would have put me down out of sympathy a long time ago.

I hope they understand. I have to believe they understand. And maybe…soon…I can get back out there again.

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